Okay, so I’ve been to Trader Vic’s a number of times since they reopened here in Portland. Never once have I had a pina colada there. You want to know why? Because their thing is mai tais. MAI TAIS. A whole menu of mai tais. The sad, lonely pina colada isn’t on any of the three drink menus.

This is incredibly disturbing, especially in a town like Portland, a town inhabited by any number of blutbads and other creatures who might be in the market for a cocktail at a downtown tiki bar.

I wonder what Warren Zevon would say.

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
He was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook’s
Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein

Aaoooooo!
Werewolves of London!
Aaoooooo! (Repeat)

If you hear him howling around your kitchen door
Better not let him in
Little old lady got mutilated late last night
Werewolves of London again

Asoooooo!
Werewolves of London!
Aaoooooo! (Repeat)

He’s the hairy-handed gent who ran amuck in Kent
Lately he’s been overheard in Mayfair
Better stay away from him
He’ll rip your lungs out, Jim
I’d like to meet his tailor

Aaoooooo!
Werewolves of London!
Aaoooooo! (Repeat)

Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen
Doing the Werewolves of London
I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walking with the Queen
Doing the Werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
And his hair was perfect

Aaoooooo!
Werewolves of London!
Aaoooooo! (Repeat)
Draw blood…