The most ridiculous PORvSEA preview you’ll find on the interwebs

13 Oct

So, I’ve got a Twitter friend who’s been waiting for a writer to post his match preview for PORvSEA. He’s been waiting for several days. I don’t think he’s really holding out hope that one will come anytime soon and, as the game is in eighteen hours, I offered to help him out, despite the fact that I know nothing about soccer. For posterity, here’s what I told him:

I have no idea what’s going to happen.

I’m still not convinced EJ won’t be in the eighteen.

Somebody’s getting a red card. My money would have been on Zach Scott but, well…

Yedlin’s hair will be a hot mess. If his isn’t, Maxi’s will be. Or both. Probably both.

Kah’s just going to hug people. And he’ll get another yellow.

Fans will be up in arms early in the match when the Porter porter sells out.

Ricketts will pick up some sort of “injury” right around minute 70. Kah may or may not help him tie his shoe. And then hug him.

Many people will make fat jokes about Sigi. I’ll stick with the “What time is it?” “Nine past Gspurning” line.

Valeri and Nagbe will take some serious hits. Valeri will sub out early. Alonso will foul EVERYONE but never see a card.

At some point, Will Johnson will get mad and try to do too much and that’s when Seattle scores.

Rose will be in the 18 and, once again, I will wonder who the hell Rose is. Is he new? wtf.

If Gspurning starts, and I’m not sure he will, he’ll spend the entire match looking very angry.

Alhassan will start and be utterly and completely dire.

Caleb Porter will wear a pinstriped suit and a plaid tie and be dead sexy. (I looked him in the eye from two feet away last week and almost fainted.)

You could have stopped reading at “I have no idea what’s going to happen.” You probably should have.

Derby matches are wildly unpredictable. Red cards, crazy scuffles, insane goals. The intensity of the rivalry brings out the best and the worst in all of us: players and supporters.

This has been the weirdest derby week I’ve yet experienced. A odd quirk in the MLS schedule has given us three Cascadia matches in eight days, late in the season while all three teams are making playoff runs. Drama! Excitement! Heartburn! International travel! And, though the Timbers are out of the Cascadia Cup run, they’ll decide whether the Cup goes to Seattle or Vancouver. So much weird.

So, what do I really think will happen when match time arrives?

We’ll gather at Jeld-Wen, our fortress, our cathedral, our home. We will laugh and dance and sing and more hugs will be exchanged than can be counted.

A game will be played.

We will love deeply: love of team, love of town, love of each other.

The season is growing short. Every game takes on a renewed significance. This could be the year our club reaches the MLS playoffs for the first time. My head is spinning just thinking about it. To be this close to the top of the table this late in the season? Unthinkable a year ago, six months ago.

So, rest up. Drink plenty of water. Eat decent food before the match. Wear warm socks. Try to relax a little.

I’ll be over here with my whisky and my Tums.

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Posted by on October 13, 2013 in Timbers 2013


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