And thus it continues – October 26, 2011

26 Oct

I sat with a group of people tonight who will not be named as they told stories of events which we will not cover here.

What could this possible have to do with October?

The best, the scariest stories, the ones that haunt us are those we hear face-to-face. They’re the ones that keep us up at night, that make us double check that our doors and windows are locked and that no one is hiding in the closet or behind the door.

And the scariest of these stories, especially at this time of year, are the ones against which such precautions may make no difference and certainly will offer no protection.

So, I offer you some other protections as I’ve learned them from pop culture and folklore and, very simply, things people have told me over the years. These things may or may not work. Use at your own peril.

If you’re aware of an impending zombie attack, you can sprinkle salt on the ground and the zombies will be so distracted by counting the grains of salt that you’ll be able to get away.

Just in general, lay a line of red brick dust across your doorstep to protect yourself from people wanting to enter our home to harm you. I understand certain types of chalk dust work the same, but as I haven’t tried either, I can’t tell you for sure.

Want to rid your surroundings of malevolent spirits? Burn white sage. But be sure it’s WHITE sage as other types of sage will encourage spirits to gather around and might even lend them strength.

Have a vampire problem? Well, there are several schools of thought on this and they’ve all been confused by the recent emergence of such things as the Twilight series and its sparkly vampires. Almost universally, it’s believed that sunlight will dispatch your vampire rather quickly. Unless you live in Forks, Washington, in which case you’re pretty much screwed unless you can find a band of werewolves to help you out. Vampires are also supposed to cower at the sight of a cross or crucifix. Oh, and if you’d hung ropes of garlic at your doors and windows, you wouldn’t have had a vampire problem to begin with.

The surest way to get rid of your vampire is to drive a stake through his heart. Some say ash is the wood of choice, some say yelm or yew is the way to go. I’m thinking if you get a stake of any sort through his heart and he doesn’t automatically burst into flame, you’d be wise to have a lighter handy.

Werewolves, if they’re not the sort to help you with your vampire infestation, can only be killed by a pure silver bullet.

I think that about covers the big stuff. If you’re not sure what sort of monster/mythical creature/supernatural being you’re dealing with, it’s best to consult a professional.

(However, since the changes made by Vatican II, there are few professionals trained in the rites of exorcism. Some of the scariest stuff I’ve ever read on the internet comes from a Google search for “Where can I find an exorcist in the US”. Truly, truly frightening stuff. Read it with the lights on.)

More tomorrow.

Happy October.

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Posted by on October 26, 2011 in Uncategorized


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